21 Pretentious Things That Only Single People Do
1. Talking about how you “just don’t have time” for a relationship, implying that all us relationship-bound losers have nothing but freedom on our hands to weave friendship bracelets and gaze into one another’s eyes.
2. Suggesting that [insert relationship person here] wouldn’t “feel comfortable” at the night out because it is one for dancing and drinking with impunity, and some people are far too coupled up to be able to enjoy anything like that.
3. Flying into a passive-aggressive rage whenever another one of your Facebook friends get engaged. (I love you, single people, but y’all absolutely lose your minds when someone posts that coveted ring-on-finger shot and accumulates the subsequent likes. It is your kryptonite.)
4. Regularly discussing all the things you want to do before they get with someone, such as travel or write a novel, because — as we all know — the freedom to enjoy oneself and explore life withers and dies the second you change that Facebook profile to “In A Relationship.”
5. Posting this quote, as if it weren’t the social media equivalent of a Hot Topic “You laugh because I’m different, I laugh because you’re all the same” keychain:
6. Referring to Carrie Bradshaw as your “spirit animal” or the fact that you are “such a Carrie,” despite her being an objectively terrible human being.
7. Coughing up a lung in excitement every time “Single Ladies” comes on, even though Beyonce was 50 shades of in a relationship when she put that song out.
8. Talking offhandedly about how “sad” it is when people get into relationships because they completely evaporate. (To be fair, a lot of people get into that sad, wrinkly, anti-social phase when they start dating, but don’t be prejudiced and say it’s everyone.)
9. Degrading the concept of marriage around other people who are looking forward to getting/already married. Come on, now, it’s one thing not to want to tie the knot — quite another to talk about how we’ve evolved past that as a race whilst reminding everyone of the divorce rate.
10. Talking about how you are “dating the city” because you can experience it in a much more profound way than those dirty peasants who are too busy making out to notice the Chrysler building.
11. Describing your single time as “finding yourself,” because introspection and personal growth stop where committed relationships start.
12. Ragging on other people’s babies because you don’t see yourself having any in the near future. (I admit I am hella guilty of this myself, but seriously, people’s babies are gross and inferior to my hypothetical ones, which will be flawless. Get your babies off my Facebook, no one should have a heavy social media presence before walking age.)
13. Openly talking about how “sad” it is that some girls settle down instead of “doing something with their lives.” (Okay, Peggy Olson, this is the 21st century. A person can have both, just look at criminally-underused Mad Men couple Ken and Cynthia Cosgrove.)
14. Ragging on online dating because you’ve only met swamp creatures and reclusive computer technicians on it, when some of us met our #soulmates in that cess pool. Suck on your digital lemons elsewhere, single people.
15. Talking about how glad you are to be single in front of your partnered-up friends, like your whole life is a unicorn’s ride over a rainbow made of dicks and professional fulfillment.
16. Saying that you are “married to your career.” BITCH SOME OF US WORK AND THEN COME HOME AFTER A LONG DAY’S GRIND AND THEN CUDDLE.
17. Complaining on social media about being a bridesmaid/attending some boring wedding. Like, have some decency and complain about it in private like a grown-up.
18. Frequently doling out advice to couples when you are largely unfamiliar with the relationship itself.
19. Harshly judging said relationships from the safety of singledom.
20. Talking about all the fun things you can do “as a single person,” including but not limited to your ability to “just go” whenever you wanted to. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING, SINGLE PEOPLE?!?! “I could just take a Greyhound bus westward at the drop of a hat, never to look back.”???????
21. Bragging about the fresh D you got last night, and asking how long-term relationship people don’t get “bored” with having sex with the same person over and over again. I don’t know, bro, I’ve been eating chocolate cake for like 20 solid years and I still will walk a half hour out of my way to get a slice. I think relationship people are doing just fine.